Day 67

Dear Diary,

I’m back, so you can stop wot you were doing and pay attention for a coupl’a minutes, and if you’ve half a mind to do something else, don’t worry about it. I’m sure life’ll go on if you don’t listen carefully to wot I’m saying, but on the other hand, it might not. It always pays to err on the side of caution and ask for a second opinion when it comes to matters of importance.

Last time I was talking to you, Dear Diary, which was only a coupl’a hours ago at most, Miss Parsley Da Onker and Missus Malla Oda Odipossipous had dropped down dead from the sight of Misther Patchouli Da Fanny’s nose caught up in The Widow Fartie Da Whistle’s down below exit window, which weren’t a pretty sight but it was nothing to commit suicide over. Anyways, after this’d happened, all the other old biddies clambered over the bodies, poking holes in ‘em with their zimmers, and scuttled up on to the bus (being me) so’s no one what had no business being there could steal their favourite seats wot they always sat in. The only one wot didn’t rush aboard, for which she lost her seat to a touron by the name of Noel Sphincter-Cadger, who, it seems’d dreamt his whole life of riding around a vacant-headed island on a community bus, was Ol’ Missus Drain. ‘Course, he was after being a cousin to Snooter Da Sphincter wot owned and operated The Easy-In-And-Out Trailer Halting Site on the bad end of the island, right next to the cemetery for protestants. Anyways, poor Ol’ Missus Drain was being overpowered by these scruples wot attack her on a regular basis and’re always getting in the way of her having a good time. Today, wot do you know but they up and told her she had no choice but to telephone the police and tell ‘em about the rotting bodies of Miss Parsley Da Onker and Missus Malla Oda Odipossipous wot was polluting the right of way. And so she called up the entire police force, namely Police Constable Humbert Da Elephant and his partner Police Constable Helen Da Barren, wot used to be a woman policeman back in the days before sex was invented by the under-twelves, and said they should bring a digger and a crane, on account of the bodies was already inflating full of gas and were in an ugly mood. Well, as you know if you was paying attention, the police force was having their fifth all-you-can-eat American touron fried salmonella breakfast special over at Thelma O’Leary’s falling down café, and if’n they ran off before licking their plate clean as a whistle, Ol’ Thelma’d cancel their free parking validation. It goes without say that, if’n she done that, the police force would find itself parked out front of Thelma O’Leary’s falling down café illegal, which means the first thing Police Constable Humbert Da Elephant and his partner Police Constable Helen Da Barren’d hafta do after breakfast was to clamp their car and drag it off to Misther Florian Da Blossom’s Discount Used Tyre Emporium and Wrecking Yard to be crushed up into an attractive garden ornament.

When Missus Drain called up the police force on her mobile telephone the first thing they said was they’d be around as soon as they was done investigating their currant bun, which left her speechless until one member of the police force said they meant to say ‘current investigation’. Just to be clear about it, I think it were Police Constable Helen Da Barren who jumped in and said they didn’t say nothing about a currant bun and they weren’t eating breakfast at Ol’ Thelma O’Leary’s falling down café in the course of duty, especially not an All You Can Eat Stomach Inflating American Style breakfast. She said (in a pretend panting out-of-breath emergency voice), “we’re tracking down a desperate criminal element.” ‘Course’ between you and me, Dear Diary, the reason I think it were Police Constable Helen Da Barren wot was so quick-thinking and popped out such a terrible lie before most folks’d have time to think, is on account of she spoke in a falsetto and as far as I know, Police Constable Humbert Da Elephant ain’t no castrato. And he’s got a dozen or so kids to prove it, or at least so he says.

Missus Drain, who could spot a lie and mile away on account of having been a teacher for about seven hundert years, said, “Yeh Yeh, Miss Police Constable Helen Da Barren, and the next thing you’re gonna tell me is that the dog ate your homework,” and Police Constable Helen Da Barren fell into the trap and said, “Honest Injun Missus Drain, little Plunky Bean ate it all down, every bit of it, and it gave her the trots and all. Cross My Heart And Hope To Die And Smell.” Well, Ol’ Missus Drain didn’t appreciate being fibbed to, on account of her having scruples, and so she spoke up sharpish and snapped at Police Constable Helen Da Barren, “You come on up here to the front of the class this instant, little Miss Police Constable Helen Da Barren and take down your knickers so’s I can tan your hide good and proper with this here bundle of switches.” Well, of course, Police Constable Helen Da Barren had no choice but to break down in the sort of wet and gloopy sobs wot makes your face all swole and blotchy, and she confessed to Missus Drain straight out that she’d lied like a cow and’d go straight to Hell in a handcart, and that the entire police force, being Police Constable Humbert Da Elephant and herself, had indeed been spending that entire morning stuffing their faces at Thelma O’Leary’s falling down café. And the reason they couldn’t run straight on over to scrape up Miss Parsley Da Onker and Missus Malla Oda Odipossipous’s bloated and smelly corpuscles off of the road was that they was bloated up too fat to get out the door.

Missus Drain, who was too disgusted to speak for a whole three and a half minutes, told Police Constable Helen Da Barren she and Police Constable Humbert Da Elephant had exactly ten minutes to write their homework assignments forty-seven times on the blackboard after class. She wanted to see ‘em sweat and squirm on account of she knew they never looked up anything in their lives and only downloaded shite off’n the Internet wot had no footnotes. Anyway, that’s wot she said and it put Police Constable Humbert Da Elephant and his partner, Police Constable Helen Da Barren, wot used to be a woman before she joined the police force, on the spot, on account of it were true.

Well, Dear Diary, here we have wot we calls another pregnant pause, on account of nothing happened for a good three hours. All the biddies, except Missus Drain, who was standing guard over the dead bodies, were sitting all buckled up in their seats gossiping nasty about everyone who weren’t there and leaking like a dozen or so sieves all over my upholstery and the floor. I can’t say I can wait much longer to leave this island with my new owner, the part Greek Italian Stallion Hunk, and his shiny red Ducati, Benvolio Da Trampolio, on account of my springs is starting to rot from the old biddy pee acid, and it’s startin’ to give me old person rheumatics and infernal rusticles. Oh, well, I guess it’s part of being a bus, even when I’m a classic Daimler CVD6 with custom-made Burlington 33-seater coachwork.

While I’m waiting for the pregnant pause to work itself out, I’m gonna put my pencil away and you’re gonna hafta amuse yourself for a while. As I always say, so endeth our little chat.